Wool-filled Soul

Ps 119:173-176: ”I long for your salvation, O Lord, and your law is my delight. Let me live that I may praise you and may your laws sustain me, I have strayed like a lost sheep. Seek your servant for I have not forgotten your commands.”

1 Peter 2:25 “For you were like sheep going astray, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.”

Psalm 23:4b “your rod and your staff, they comfort me”

A friend of mine gave me the book “A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23″ by W. Phillip Keller a few months ago. She wrote a sweet inscription inside the cover of the book: “Shane, we are stubborn, stupid and full of sin. But we are His – He won’t leave us this way! So thankful to be in a flock with you!”

At this point in my life I can’t imagine being in a flock where people do not know my stubborn ways, or where they might be scared to called me stupid, where they would be offended to hear that this little lamb, the pastor’s wife, is steeped in sin. If I can’t live in real community, then I can’t live the life God has called me to. So I thank the community of Saint Paul Mount Prospect, IL for accepting me where ever I am along this path. And I pray that I lead my ministry in the same warm, welcoming environment.

While reading a chapter this evening I came across a paragraph that made me stop and pause. After I read and re-read I tried to move on. But God asked me to stop and ponder. After a few quiet moments I kept reading but He led me back to this paragraph:

“Wool in Scripture speaks of the self-life, self-will, self-assertion, self-pride. God has to get below this and do a deep work in our wills to right the wrongs which are often bothering us beneath the surface. So often we put on a fine front and brave, bold exterior when really deep down below there needs to be some remedy applied.”

When I first read this paragraph I laughed and wished there was an entire book just on this small section. Then God gave me an opportunity to return to my blog to do just that! Today, let’s tackle the first phrase.

• God has to get below this [wool of self-life, self-will, self-assertion, self-pride] and do a deep work in our wills…
• right the wrongs which are often bothering us beneath the surface
• …we put on a fine front and brave, bold exterior
• when really deep down below there needs to be some remedy applied

This summer God began working in my life to make me aware of the wool-filled soul I was carrying around. I felt like I had given of myself to so many people and it was my turn to receive. (self-life) I had sacrificed enough of my life for the things I so desired – like longing to live near family. (self-will) Depression had taken away the baby years, the toddler years and I was fighting hard not to allow depression to take away watching my children grow in their elementary years. (self-assertion) I felt I sacrificed my own personal life for my preacher-hubby’s profession and for raising our children maybe it was my turn for something special. (self-pride)

Having a soul filled with bitterness, hurt, pride and anger was just the foothold the devil needed. I wish I could say I escaped His tactics. But the truth is I ran away with him, enjoying every moment.

What the enemy hoped to use for evil in my life God is now redeeming.

God is helping me see my desires and turn them into greater dreams which fit perfectly in His Kingdom.

The phrase from Keller’s book written above “deep work in our wills” is a fresh phrase for me today. Although my recent wrestling with God happened over the last several months, just these past weeks has He been working on my will. At times it feels like He is the surgeon, gently sectioning out pieces of my soul that don’t belong or are no longer needed. It hurts. But the healing is giving way to a renewed living with Christ. A place where I need Him more and see less of me.

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