As I mentioned yesterday, I felt like having a baby would cure all my problems. I saw women in church who could connect so easily with others. And, to me, the connecting factor was a baby.
After 2 years of infertility, God answered my desperate plea. I was thrilled to be pregnant. Within a few weeks, things turned ugly. Bleeding started. Cramping occurred. A miscarriage was predicted. The doctor told me that the chances of carrying this baby was “a coin toss.” Yes, they told me the life or death of my child was a COIN TOSS. (I should have written a letter!)
The secretaries at my school were more tuned in to the life of my child than my doctor. They immediately predicted that my baby would survive, and told me that I would have a girl. Their wisdom had come from seeing many young mothers like myself And all that lived through it bore girls!
They were right!
Before the arrival of my daughter in early May 2001 two other major events happened in my life. (outside of the awesome showers!)
- a car, missing his stop, hit me head on… no major complications… just left me a bit freaked out!
- my face took on the look of Quasimodo – I contracted a serious bout of Bell’s Palsy. The right side of my face went totally numb in Feb 2001, and has never been the same since.
When the contractions started that Friday morning in May, I knew all my problems were about to be solved. The physical birth of this baby was going to take my hideous caterpillar self and transform me into a beautiful butterfly. People would like me & talk to me at church. My body would shrink instantly back into its correctsize (similar to Cindy Crawford)! My face would pop right back into perfect proportion. I would easily shift from the role of teacher to mother (How hard can it be? 1 kid verses 25!)
You can clearly see that my mind was in a healthy state!
3 months later after coming home from my first counseling appointment, I had two assignments. I needed to call my doctor to discuss medical intervention. And I had to make a long distance phone call to my family in Michigan (I live in Illinois) to tell them that I had postpartum depression and I needed help. I felt like a totally failure. Nothing had happened as I had dreamed it would occur. Nothing was right.
I was helpless. Even though I couldn’t feel Him, God was with me the whole time. However, I felt as if He turned His back on me. But through my pain, I now know that God does his best work through those who are weak, numb, hopeless. Take a look again at Psalm 40 from yesterday. Or even Psalm 34. Psalm 34: 18-19:
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. The righteous person faces many troubles, but the Lord comes to the rescue each time.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a journey. Some people take a lifetime. For others its a season. And for some people, like me, it’s a roller coaster – constantly up and down.
Tomorrow we’ll discuss what depression feels like. But for today, rest in the fact that God is with you no matter how you feel. Use Psalm 40 or 34 to pray today. Write it down or print it out. Turn the words to your own situation. Personalize it – insert your own name, your own fears. If you feel so inclined, share it with us. You don’t have to do the whole Psalm, maybe just a verse or two. Or use the comment section to write down your reaction to this story – maybe giving pieces of your own journey. Let’s do life together!
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